Dumb Lawyer Questions

A client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch collects silly questions asked by lawyers. The column-writing team of Paul Rolly and Joann Jacobsen-Wells reproduced some of them in the Salt Lake Tribune. The following are some of these questions, actually asked by lawyers during the course of trials:
"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
"Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me!'"
Q: "Did he kill you?"

"The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother that was killed in the war?"

Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize that picture."
A: "That's me."
Q: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Q: "Do you know how pregnant you are now?"
A: "I'll be three months November 8."
Q: "So the date of conception was August 8?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?"

Q: "Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?"
A: "I used to be."
Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

And once in a while there's a witness who just doesn't choose to be in a forgiving mood, and the result is something like this documented exchange:

Q: "Do you recall approximately the time you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 P.M."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time, is that correct?"
A: "No, you stupid bastard, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!"

Criminal Intelligence???

If experience is the best teacher, these criminals need more experience.
These true stories were gleaned from police records across the country...

LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward."
Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.